Thursday, September 10, 2015

On my mind . . .

Here we go...

Since my little muffin is napping, I can kinda think about this better to be able to put it into words. And I wanna write it down so I have something to look back on and be like, I was right about that or I was completely wrong about that.

First and foremost, my biggest worry is labor and delivery. I pray it goes as smoothly as it did with Liv... that was a piece of cake! And more importantly, I worry about having a healthy baby. It's always so scary not knowing for sure that everything is going to be okay and I just want to know...EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY! :) I also want to know that this little blessing will be a good, colic-free and easy babe like Liv was. I'm so terrified of having a difficult child, it worries me every day. No joke. You just never know what hand you're going to be dealt.

I worry about splitting up my time and sharing myself with yet another person. I worry that Liv is going to feel the change and it's going to crush her not having momma and daddy's full attention. I don't want her to be resentful and angry about her sister taking up our time too... I just feel like that would devastate her and then me to see how it hurts her. She is OUR little bestie. :) I'm going to do everything in my power to keep the 'changes' as minimal for Liv as possible... I know that's practically impossible, but I'm going to keep our routines the same and just incorporate Elle into them, as much as it's possible. That's so important to me. Just as much as Liv having HER time with momma and daddy... we've already talked about having to take Liv on dates, just her. And each of us still having our individual time with Liv alone. That's important too. She's such a special kid and she still deserves everything she's gotten for the past three years and I don't want having another baby to change that.

I worry about loving another...I know people always say your heart doubles in size, but I just don't see how that's possible when I feel so full of love already - how can there be MORE? And how will I have enough love to go around for both girls? How will I be able to be everything each one of them needs me to be? It just doesn't seem humanly possible all while keeping my sanity... And I worry about cherishing every moment like I do now - how will I be able to do that for two?!

I worry that having a little baby around will either A. make Liv feel like she needs to grow up, mature and take on the big sister role full steam ahead, which I don't want at all because I still want her to be little. I still want her to experience things the way she would, in the time frame she would, regardless if there's a smaller person living with us or not. I don't want her to be forced to grow up. Therefore, I will let her be little. I read a babble article about this here and it really opened my eyes. Especially because everyone always asks Liv if she's ready to be a big sister, is she ready to help mom out, etc etc. and while that's cute and all, I don't want to take anything away from her childhood and letting her just be a child... or even baby for that matter. Because while we're always quick to call them "toddlers", she's still a baby... growing, learning, exploring, making mistakes every day... and that's OK! But then there's the flip side, B. I also worry about her seeing her sister be a baby which in turn makes her revert back to baby-babyish ways... such as diapers, crying excessively, etc. I have heard that that can be the case some times and just hope that's not the case for us. I just want her to be her amazing little self. I don't want this to 'take away' anything from her... I want it to only 'add value' to her life and there's no promises for that.

I get excited to think about going through this all over again, raising a baby girl, but I also have this weird feeling like we did that with Liv and that was special and it can't be duplicated. That was only a Liv thing! Which I know sounds super crazy but I just think about doing it all over again and it doesn't seem right. But don't get me wrong, I'm super excited to relive it all again in a different way.

I really hope they complete each other and become built in besties. I know that doesn't always happen for siblings, but I'm praying it happens for our girls. You never know what kind of baby/person you're going to get and I just hope Elle is the perfect fit for our family (which I have a good feeling she will be!). We REALLY lucked out with Liv and I pray we get blessed with another just like her. Over the past year or so, I have noticed that Liv might be missing something in her life and whether that's a sibling or not, I won't know until Elle is here. And it might not be until Elle is actually at an age where she can interact with Liv or then again, just having Elle around, regardless of her age, might be the thing that's been 'missing'. I don't really know, but I've been wondering if just having a playmate around is what Liv's been needing... only time will tell but regardless, I just hope these two grow up the best of friends.

I have a good feeling that we are going to see an even more caring and compassionate side to Liv once her baby sister is here. I have already seen how much she loves my belly and the sheer idea of a baby sister growing inside. She's always there to take care of me/my belly/sissy and I think it's going to be the exact same once she's here in the world. I'm ready for my heart to explode. I'm also ready for my heart to explode over how much Bru loves having his two little girls. Considering how amazing he is with Liv and how they adore one another, I could cry just thinking about TWO. It's just going to kill me!

Whatever the outcome of all this is, I have faith that it will be everything we need. I know I worry about things I shouldn't but I'm a thinker. I will do my best to be the best mom I can be and I will love both of my girls unconditionally. No matter what.

Cheers to the road ahead! :))

Liv loves to snuggle her sissy already <3

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